Things really took a big step on Friday when I was informed that my current contract would not be renewed at its end, which is approximately in three weeks time, so this weekend has been a strange one. There is, on one hand, the knowledge that I completely manifested this myself. I told everyone, all my friends, family and anyone who would listen that this was it, I was not going to do this job anymore, when this placement finished so was done. I have imagined my life free from the doldrums and the confines of this career I hate. I spend hours imagining what I will do, there is the promise of a complete and cathartic cleanse of my apartment, the promise of trips to the movies and museums, a guarantee that I will spend at least two hours every day reading so I can get through my public sized library full of books that have purchased and never read. There are the dreams of having my niece to stay during the holidays and lunching with my Mom during the week whilst the massive rush by on their way to a faceless office at the mercy the great 9:00 to 5:30 big wheel and something that I have completely failed to do since I moved here and that is to thoroughly enjoy the city in which I reside. Most importantly I want to fulfill my purpose; I have a head swimming with ideas, so much so it becomes painful because I am so excited about these ideas I almost run out of space in my body for this massive surge of emotion to fit, this ideas are what I want to do, they will give me the career I have always dreamed of, but more importantly they have a value, the jobs I have held so previously have had no value other than contribute the profits of large corporations.
So here's the problem, you might remember my inaugural blog posting I mentioned a little financial problem, well that continues to grow on a daily basis so whilst I can be thankful that my wish has come true in terms of my career, I don't actually have the financial muscle to back it up. Truth be known, I don't even have enough money to last a week. I would love to admit to a little exaggeration at this point but if the truth be known I think I am underestimating the extent of my financial situation, avoiding at this stage calendars and my bank account.
The big question is what is stopping me? I knew this situation was going to arise, but yet even though in the same way on a daily basis I am going to finally start that diet and would always find a way to sweet talk (literally) myself out of it, I have been promising myself that I would put aside a set amount of time to get down and make money but it is unbelievable what I can find to fill my time that is not doing what I should be doing and that is getting myself out of this debt hole.
But now there is no turning back, it is same situation now when you wished you had done your homework on Friday as soon as you walked through the door after school but instead it is Monday morning and you are on the school bus and it is still not done, but you were warned by your teacher that if it was late just one more time you would get detention and a letter sent home to your parents. This is it, the Oh S**t moment. So I either have find a way to come up with a very, very large sum of money in a short space of time or at the very least find a way to earn the same amount of passive income as I do sat in dull brown corporate office on a daily basis and I need to do it quickly.
One of the things I have found out about myself in the last couple of the months, is my default emotion is Anxiety. It sits with me like a loyal pet, always so welcoming, it greets me like long lost friend as if it has not seen me for years when it might only have been a few minutes. Once is has found me it latches on to me never to let go again, and since Friday's news like a leech sucking all the blood out of me.
Of course I could look for another assignment, but we will call that Plan B for now. The reason why I did not race home on Friday evening, update and issue my resume is that if I go down that path I just jump to another rung of this ever increasing vicious circle. I want this to end, I want this to be my year, despite what is happening with the Global credit crisis, I refuse to join in, even though I may be hanging onto the edge of a cliff by a single split nail I am not going to fall. I want this pattern of failure to end, I want to live the life I dream of, I want to leave my trustworthy pet, Anxiety, at the pound and pick up a new pet called Joy. I would be happy to have that as a companion for a while.
I want to stop spending Sunday evenings cloistered in my apartment as if my Mom has told me I had to come in from play early, have a bath and go to bed on time because it is a school the next day and I want to wake on a Monday morning in my own time and as the result of the mocking tone of an alarm clock at 6 am, along with my faithful friend Anxiety lying on my stomach excitedly licking my face.
In the past few months I have spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, (I know, I know, the debts), trying to find the magic formula to earn a lot of money, quickly, without having to do a lot of work and I believe I have the answers but they sit in my inbox like my homework would sit at the bottom of my school bag, but on top of that, which I believe to be the most important I have vowed to change my thoughts. At the moment I spend my days and nights in a vat of lack of. Over the years, I have failed to notice them creep up on me, the amount of time that I think that there is a lack of money, lack of time, lack of people who will buy from me, lack of believe in myself, lack, lack, lack, that is all I seem to think. These thoughts and beliefs are so deeply embedded, they are like a bitch stain on your favorite shirt, no matter what you try it just never goes away. So it is time for a new tactic, I am just going to have to dye it a different color and the beat the ass off it.
So I have committed to a daily round of meditation, at which I am rubbish, hypnosis to attract money, Neuro Linguistic Programming tools and techniques and all the exercises I can hold in my head for the Law of Attraction.
I ask you to join me as I chart my progress, I will be honest and tell you what works and honest for those things that don't.
A Y Noone.