I have surprised myself by how much I fear, and how disabling it is to carry my fear with me everywhere. Fear of facing my financial problems, fear of asking for help, fear of having to go outside my comfort zone and push for business, fear of how it will all end up. My fear has and still manifests itself as procrastination, so instead of spending hours working and trying to find a way to move forward. I do however, have moments of shear power, sheer excitement about my future but I find it difficult to maintain these periods. I find I spend myself positioned in front of mindless and meaningless tv programs to numb the problems. This is not what I want, this is not who I want to be and I fight against this positive and motivated person that wants to break free but I seem to be more experienced at fear, I know how to do that well.
Today I feel a bit better and hence I wanted to share it with you. Part of the problem I have found is that because the money is at an end, I can't do anything, even if invited for a coffee I have to consider that there is cost involved, anything I want to do for my business has a cost, so where I was doing really well at the beginning, this has come to a halt because every plan I have there is a cost to it. I even got upset last week because a couple of friends were due to come to my house to talk about a business idea and at the last minute one of the party called to say that they could not attend because they were not well and I was really upset with her because I had spent money, I did not really have, to buy food for them coming to my house and the poor women was genuinely unwell and then I felt guilty and selfish because all I could do was think about was myself.
This is not how I want to live, whilst previously I was in debt I always had some money to spend on, so one of the ideas that I came up with was to go back to work so today I went onto a recruiters website and looked for positions doing what I used to do and what I hated to do and as I was looking I just knew that this is not what I want to do. I want to have the chance to grow my business I know what my purpose is and I want the chance to go ahead and succeed.
My frustration with my situation is that my constant thoughts about lack are leading me down the wrong path but the more letters I receive from the IRS, Banks and Credit Card Companies the more I am presented with and the more I think about lack and therefore, the more lack I have. I don't want to go down, I want to succeed, I want to find a way through this at the moment I feel as if I am trekking through a dense jungle and am having to chop down, using just a machete, all that is in front of me before I can take each step.
You know when you see those programs or you read about people who just seem to be on the up, there life just seems to be going in the right direction and all the goals they set for themselves they achieve, I want to be like that, I imagine a movie of my life where it is all good and positive, someone who has taken themselves from rock bottom all the way up. I want that to me.
I have to become more disciplined, I have to set myself daily challenges that I must meet, I to discipline my mind as well as my body, I have to plan and write goals, I have to find a way to create and manifest money and also believe that I can do it.
Something that I have signed up to do is the Boundless Living Challenge. As you know I am a big fan of Bob Doyle and his Wealth Beyond Reason program, he is running his yearly Boundless Living Challenge. Starting on 16th April 2009; anyone can sign up, it is free to join. It is a 45 day challenge for you to start to manifest the life you want, you set yourself a goal or challenge and in order to help you achieve it you have at your fingertips a wealth of resources from the Wealth Beyond Reason program but also the support of everyone else that joins. Bob himself, whist a facilitator also sets himself a yearly challenge. I am going to give this a go because I am still a believer that you create your next moments and this is not the end for me this is just the beginning and whilst I may be going through a difficult few weeks, I am going to be successful and I can see a time in the future when I am living the life I want, financially free and I will look back on this period and know that it helped to shape me.